03.26.03

Disconnection

Posted in General at 7:00 am by Craig

A violent emotion, not fear exactly but a sort of undifferentiated excitement, flared up in him, then faded again. He stopped thinking about the war. In these days he could never fix his mind on any one subject for more than a few moments at a time.

I’ve been feeling disconnected. Disconnected on a number of levels. The massive difference between where I was this time last year, or even 6 months ago, and now has left me reeling a little. 12 months ago, I was in hyper entrepreneurial mode — was just starting to get serious about Deersoft stuff, was working Komal to get him to get off his ass and return to the bay area, was planning the wedding, and simultaneously trying hard to help set up a new business line for King Brown and Partners. I felt like I was pretty much in control of just about every aspect of my life.
6 months ago, Deersoft was flying high — we had signed up thousands of paying customers, and were on the verge of launching the Exchange Server product which was to be so succesful; we were in discussions with a handful of companies looking to acquire us. Marriage had happened, and Erica was pregnant. I still felt like I was in control of everything, and everything was going great.
Shift to today. Despite having voted with the plurality in the last presidential election, my voice is now utterly unheard in Washington. My government is taking unconscionable action after unconscionable action, both domestically and around the world, without even an attempt to disguise the playbook laid out in 1984. At home, we’ve just moved into a wonderful house, but that’s generated so much work which needs to be done, but for which there is little available time. At the office, I’m growing increasingly frustrated with the constraints of being merely a cog in a huge organization.
I feel swamped with things to do, but somehow unable to priotize those things which would actually lead to improving my life. I would get vastly more enjoyment out of the house if I unpacked; sorting out the spaghetti of telephone wiring, and setting up a useful LAN would both improve my ability to get work done from home, and also facilitate play; but I can’t bring myself to spend time on these things — primarily because I’m still stupidly ramming my head repeatedly against brick wall after brick wall at work, pouring effort into many endeavors, all of which I can see are doomed to failure.
What I need to do is to yield to the idiotic decisions of others; I need to not care that product definitions do not meet the actual requirements a market has; I need to ignore the fact that no resources are being allocated to demonstratedly successful business areas. I need to stop trying to heat many pots i the hope that one might start boiling, and instead just turn the heat off and live with the lukewarm.
But I can’t bring myself to do that. My mind is rebelling against itself — I understand what the easy path would be, but cannot bring myself to follow it. I find myself wondering if this is how most people think of their jobs — have most people resigned themselves to this shit? Is that why I’m having so much trouble being able to actually get anything done, because everyone else I’m dealing with has already given up trying? What percentage of the world’s workforce behaves this way? Is this an economically healthy thing? I can understand cerebrally that some measure of institutional conservatism is vital to avoid chaos, but surely things can be conservative without being so oppressively unchangeable.
I feel too far removed from any actual decision making, and too far removed from being able to observe any outcome from my work — whether positive or negative. I could work like a dog and produce really high-quality work, or sit on my thumbs all day long and produce nothing; either way the net result would be the same: no observable difference. Some part of me wishes I could just settle into acceptance, to not cry out against idiocy but just chug along blindly and blissfully; but the bigger part of me wishes that I could influence things for the better, and in turn see results from my achievements, for good or for bad. This is the part which right now is lying in bed on the verge of tears of depression, as effort after effort to have some positive impact is rejected, rebuffed, deflected, or ignored. I can’t have any effect on the war or foreign policy; I won’t even be asked a formal opinion on the matter until 2004. I can’t have any effect on the design and development of anti-spam applications at Network Associates; I’ve tried providing input in a dozen different ways, and it’s all been in vain.
Meanwhile, I have a feeling of responsibility which flies in the face of the lack of control I’m experiencing. I feel responsible for products which I can’t influence in any way. I feel responsible for ex-Deersoft employees and contractors whose fate is completely out of my hands. I feel responsible for the success of a merger which I helped initiate, but am powerless to influence now that the reins have been removed from my hands. I feel reponsible for the growth and health of my daughter, but until she’s born all I can do is try to make her mother’s life easier and more healthful; but even that is hard as I am exerting far too much energy on wasted efforts at work, and have little left to provide at home.
The impulse to say “fuck it” and practice my thumb sitting is starting to push out the entrepreneur, and that scares me. Will I be able to rekindle the fire if I temporarily stop feeding it? Can I just sit back and be a tool engineer for a few months, or a year, and actually be able to live with myself? The decision point between this and breaking out, taking another big risk (but now with a baby and wife and mortgage thrown into the risk equation) is approaching rapidly. On a daily basis I find myself thinking of interesting concepts or ideas which I might actually be able to control or influence. Then I think of the guilt I’d feel if I abandoned the work I’ve put into anti-spam, and try to envisage living within the confines of a non-compete agreement which would bar me from one of my major hobbies, and I’m brought back to seriously considering the thumb sitting again.
At what point will I tip? Will the self-imposed pressure to actually achieve something at some point swamp the feelings of guilt and the desire to maintain some element of safety and certainty? I don’t remember feeling through these questions before when taking on risks; perhaps the risks were lesser then — in 1998 when I left work to start Panop.com I was single, and had no real commitments to anything; in 2002 starting Deersoft, I was coming off about a year’s worth of what was essentially unemployment, and didn’t have much to lose. Now though, I have taken on a lot more responsibility — a large mortgage, a coming baby. I could easily enough pay off the mortgage with cash, but then would have a severely limited income stream to actually live off of were I to begin a new company which paid little or no salary for a while.
What amount of this thinking is driven by issues at work? What amount driven by George Bush? What amount is due to choices I’ve made at home?
Best is probably to sleep on this, and perhaps I’ll have a fresh perspective in the morning.

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